Posts (page 2)

i'm back since friday.
wish things would just be different.
wish i don't have to come back.
resume to work on saturday and will be effing busy for the rest of the month.
apologies for all the plans canceled.
cheers.

it is just so futile to vent everything here at a short notice.
words don't do justice nor priorities.
but i take my chance.
one week meet another and it not only breaks my heart, along with my intensity.
mind over matter it is and it is no longer about what i want.
but perhaps, what others want me to have.
and while some trying to be understanding, others just find it plain stupid.
and it all began with a smile - it is really stupid, i know.
i'm going with certainty for now, even if i strongly think that it is not where i want to be.
but beggars can't be choosers.
letting go means leaving it in the past and in actuality of moving on.
it is the best thing that ever happened in my life.
it is the first and also the last.
little do people know, why is it so absurd?
allow the reasons to lie between the truth and my denial.
i am leaving tonight with a miserable self.
surprisingly, things that i proclaimed before are now vague to my perception.
i will settle for possibilities then.
pardon my self-centeredness, but it is already due.
i will miss being super jovial and carefree and just happy about almost everything.
and endlessly ask people to smile.
because now my smile has take its absence.
as said, it's not a one way street.
damage control or drastic measure, nothing will change the fact that it's over.
enjoy while it lasts, and it already come to an end.
well, i never expect it to be so radical in a way but it is.
hope the trip will fix me wherever is broken.
and other issues that bother me will set its release.
just in case of the inevitable, i already had the best time and moments with the best people in my life.
and to some who have been involved in my account for the past months, i appreciate it super a lot :)

mus - thanks for being my best friend throughout the years :)
licia - thanks for being my best pillar of strength in so many times i opt to yield :)
v - thanks for listening to secret of my secrets. haha! and the time you had spared for me :)
t - thanks for being understanding and loving me always :)
ain - thanks for being there and a very good friend to me :)
kenzo babes - thanks for making me feel young at heart and the cause of my laugh wrinkles! haha :)
colleagues - thanks for making life at work less boring :)
k - thanks for being you :)
huda - thanks for being a sister to me and made me shop a lot! haha :)
mieza - thanks for the support and always make things rational for me :)
luqman - thanks for being my part-time boyfriend and always around when i need you! haha :)
family - thanks for being the greatest gift ever :)
cousins - thanks for being the best cousins in the world! :)
others - thanks for being part of my life :)

and i have two hours to pack everything now!
promised to come back feeling better though.
meanwhile, take care and much love :)

one night was enough to turn my life upside down.
can i really be stronger than yesterday?
i am just glad i have my girls around.
i guess i owe it to them.
and i think i need a brain surgery to straighten a little something out -.-
keep on watching myself being stupid and unable to do anything about it.
reality check, i know i should have known it better myself but as hard as it is to deliver in words..
it is harder on me to carry on.
oh this is bull!
cut the crap mas! haha!
okay i have plenty to vent but time constraint.
will touchdown again and blog soon before i leave.
cheers.

what can i do to make you love me
what can i do to make you care
lalalala :)

and so one week gone by with sweet release of contentment.
and yes everything will be fine and now everything is fine.
but i shall not let my guard down.
another month very well planned.
so many great things coming up and by right, i should be the most happiest person if all falls into place.
once again, "IF"! haha.

i had a perfect evening with my girls the other day at ben and jerry's.
i had the best sunday yesterday with my best friend.
i am leaving for a KL trip next week with my family and get to see my cousins.
once i touchdown back i will be busy with work.
then i have my grand finale, the ladies' night of course.
invitations will be out next week my dear darlings.
hope everyone can make it :)

actually it has been a super tough week trying to fix every single thing together.
contemplate here and there.
decisions after decisions.
but having said, if you are at the presence of your loved ones..
there's a thin line between glitches and making things easier for you.
i never care to appreciate, but maybe because i never know what it really means anyway.
but i do know now.
and every little thing that is possible, by deeds or not, i learn to appreciate.
appreciate more than i could have.
treasure and cherish, what and who you have because you never know what will happen next.
and yes, i am a changed person.

thanks for being my reasons to smile.
thanks for the support.
thanks for the pillar of strength.
thanks for giving me hope.
and thanks for endlessly telling me to be strong.
a happy monday to all! ~cheers

super hot oil spilled on my hand.

the pain was unbearable, scalding through my skin.

but i stood in silence not knowing how to react.

and she nurse it for me.

is it possible to hope and continue hoping?

because that's the only thing i could afford to do.

i feel like something clench my heart real taut as one more day to go.

i can't cry even if i want to.

my emotions froze itself in times like this.

leaving me stumped and downright vulnerable.

i sat down all alone and an acquaintance asked, are you okay dear?
i smiled as i said, yes i'm okay, thanks.
and the acquaintance soon left me all alone again.
my smile fade away and tell myself, i am not okay, i am not.
but is it alright to fib.
after all it is just a question out of politeness.
i keep promising empty words that i will be fine.
eventually words don't do justice and i'm just a liar.

my apologies.
if i had to take a distance for a bit.
something i just have to do.
time will tell but time can never change what's done.
once again, i smile as it kills me silently inside.

i am literally going insane.
one minute i would be laughing like mad and the very next minute i am at the verge of tearing out.
why does it have to be so complicated?
i want to run or hide.
i don't care.
because people don't really care.
and that's the truth.
a sad truth it is.
nothing else matters.
i just want things how it used to be.
and changes that i can bear and abide.
it can be any other decisive issues but please, not this..
please...
i don't admit defeat yet so let me be stronger to go through this.
and i know how much pain, agony and grief you went through.
so please just this once, i shall be the replacement.
promise me you will be fine.
and don't leave me.
because i desperately and dreadfully need you.
i really do.
i can't imagine life without you.
so please be strong for me too.
i can't do this alone.
and silence embraced me tonight.

ps and to others going through a difficult time right now, please be strong too :)

a mug of coffee and all by myself.
perfection after perfection.
too good to be true.
and now despair knock on my door.
i know i have to come out clean but please give me a little bit more time.
as said, real life do not have happy ending, is it true?

i am in my most crucial and difficult time.
counting the days as it draw nearer.
but my best act wins it all.
though i am really really exhausted to put on a smile.
what people don't know, won't hurt them.
so i am keeping this to myself.
when it's hard to let go, it's harder to move on.
what else can i do to make things fine? sigh.

i am scared.
but i have to be strong for her.
i just have to.
meanwhile, please lend me your strength..
because i am falling apart without knowing it.

two weeks away.
four perfect evenings, six days work, three two days off.
my life is beautifully at bliss.
but of course it comes with a price.
sleep-deprived, fatigue and falling super sick.
i had drained my maximum vigor for the past twelve days.
i wish i have a little bit more time to blog but rain check it is.
if i can, i would wanna go through it all over again.
the smiles and laughter, it fits and the moments were well arranged.
it seems weird that things fall perfectly into place but i learn to appreciate.
thanks.
for the greatest gift, contentment.

and she said to me, don't think too much and my mama won't die one k..
words that merely bring a smile to my face.
and smile happen to be my best stake to mask my worries, to conceal unsaid words,
to veil emotions and indirectly to tell that i'm alright.
things will be fine and i will make it fine, i promise.

at times, it's alright to be vain, because it only means you appreciate what you have.

  how i wish i do not have to let go.
let me hold on to it a little bit more.

so near yet so far.

i am super agitated when i have allergy reaction!
it is fucking irritating and i will be a bitch about it! shit!
FYI, i do not get mood swings/PMS.
i do not get angry easily, even if i do i, i just quiet down most of the time.
i have been a super jovial person since i adapt to new changes in life.
but the bloody allergy reaction made a fiend out of me!
my apologies.

sadly, things are just too coincidental.
i wish that i never had this feeling.
because i know, eventually i have to let it go.
i am not baffled.
i just demand things that i do not deserve to have.
and i only see what i want to see.
which is super self-centered of me.
when truth is concern, i am just a vulnerable being.
i have been living in pretense day in and day out.
i take benefits on other matters to just live in contentment for now.
but when everything fails, who can be there for me?
who is willing to sit with me for hours and just listen to what i have to say?

perhaps, i was too direct in delivering my words.
but he just remind me so much of someone that for once, i am not taking my chances.
as much as a great guy he would be, i am not so great to par with it.
meanwhile, good friends we be.

she is just being nice out of niceness.
and by right, it is nothing i should take in consideration for.
having said, curiosity always killed the cat.
someday, i just want to laugh it off.
and before that someday come, allow me to do one little thing for you.

back to work yesterday.
surprisingly, the hours fleet pretty fast on a super crowdless day.
i ended work at 10 but i only reached home at almost 1.
and people know it only take less an hour to arrive home but of course, impromptu plans.
at times, it is nice to hear other people's life experience.

best friend is super away at Bali now.
hope she enjoy herself and i shall seek alternatives to bug. haha!
can't super wait for month end!!

ps grand hyatt just sound super great!