and these days life been a huge question mark.

and before others do, i wish i could understand myself better.
every single day, i have to put on a mask.
but sometimes when the mask worn out, acquaintance perceive what its called sadness.
im just a human.
cut me and i still bleed.

people set high expectations for me.
people made choices for me.
people decide things for me.
once in a while, i admit i don't like what i see in the mirror.
it is very deceiving.

upon having this in my thought, somehow i came across an article yesterday.
i spent few minutes reading it and i learned a valuable lesson.
learn to like what you don't see in the mirror.
because only then you will appreciate what you see.

for instance, those pair of ugly dark rings adding a few years to my age
and need a very heavy concealer before going to work.
what i don't see is, that is the shadow to my worries for my loved ones
and having sleepless nights thinking of them.

i tend to feel vulnerable when problems kept on bumping each other.
it was kind of reflected though i tried so hard to build a strong exterior and continue to smile of course.

then a colleague said, when there's nothing much you can do, stop worrying
because the time will eventually come when problems bump into their respective solutions.
you don't bump the same person everyday after all..

and a friend told me this, when you laugh, the whole room laugh with you.
so imagine, what happen if you locked away all these little things..
as much as you deserve to be happy, others deserve to be happy because of you...

if these words had meant something to me, i hope it may mean something to others.
i am blessed with a great bunch of people, i know.
and on some level, i believe that its not about choosing the right words to say,
but what you want to say and not because you have to.

good day to all.

it's been awhile.
frantic weeks of abrupt events and really have no idea what happened to my time management.
learned that time is something we can possibly control though.
learned that small little details actually matters.
learned that there's always a line drawn when money and status involved.
judge too soon and it burst my bubble.
perhaps she have her own reasons.
why do i feel this way tonight?

strange thoughts playing in my mind.
i never felt lowest in my life til i met last week.
the more i push myself to feel better, to pretend things will be fine, i'm just falling apart.
and that is something i practically hold to myself.
the pain, the grief and the melancholy have finally taken its toll.
the catch is things are not as bad as it seem.
if i chose to rationalize it of course.
someone told me that, God have given me many blessings in disguise.
without having said, i know i under-appreciated people and so many other things.
and sometimes i just think to myself that i'm not worth it.
i think its best to swallow the worries again.
i just have to be strong and not dependent anymore.

prayers goes to my dearest dad and brother.
please recover super fast.

it's always easier said than done.
but now, things are even harder to be said.
no words to say how i am truly feeling now.
my apologies.
i know things change and can never be the same but just this once.
give me the will to repeat memories.
give me the strength not to bail on it.
give me one more chance.

and after this, i know the risk i'm taking but that's why we have to plan.
i admit i am petrified to be face to face with my own decision.
leaving has always been hard.
especially when you hold too much of memories.
but i believe on some level, good things will eventually come to an end.
and allow another episode of good things to begin.
it has been quite a great journey and a privilege if i have to say.
 meanwhile, just go with the flow.

and she said, i beg your pardon..
can't help it but to smile.
seriously, you can hardly hear that nowadays.
i miss those days when my language was simply profound.
now that i have catch on with the chinese slang and killed my malay accent, its time for drastic measure.
it has been super hectic at work and i really really mean hectic literally.
very exhausting, sleep-deprived, late night meals and falling sick.
but appreciate the well wishes.
didn't expect people to care though.
maybe its not about changing but just to realize and move on.
cheers.

without you knowing, you have hurt me deep.
without you knowing, you have broke a trust.
without you knowing, you have shattered a hope.
without you knowing, you are just a stranger from now on.
thanks for everything.

i never stand corrected again prior to the situation.
gentle reminder, never be too nice to someone because if you don't get appreciated, you will just get hurt.
an act of random kindness is no longer an act.
it is more likely to be a demand nowadays.
expect one to do more than what is required but never expect to receive more than what is needed.
once again, truth hurts.
it hurts even more coming from someone whom you cared so much.
and its just like rubbing salt to the wound when he/she is the reason you stand so tall turns out to be the same reason
you are demoralized and despair arise.

cheers to all for supporting me always and making me feel a hell lot better.
and cheers to those who made me feel worse than rock bottom.
because it just make me stronger.

take everything life has to offer or gives you !
remember the main reason why i ask you to go for it ?
the only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them !

shoot for the moon and i fall between the stars, i guess.
at least i landed somewhere.
big picture. big picture.
i think i feel much better now after several consultations.
i can like face the world again. haha.
and happy birthday to mieza !
cheers.

you gave me a feeling that you're independent.
if only independent is the same meaning as happy.

if only opportunities come with a decal label that states "rest assured".
if only it was a turn of event.
if only first impression is not judged.

appreciated all the feedback and support throughout the toughest week i had.

the trace of depression and frustration are still there but hey, i'm standing tall.

this is not the end.
the best possible thing is yet to come.
even if it gonna' take forever, i will be right here waiting.
provide me the strength and patience to endure all this.
please.
 
people kept asking why, and if only they know why.
it's not a choice i make but a choice they make and set for me.
who am i at the end of the day?

i am so frustrated.
i am so disappointed.
i am depressed.

do you know what is amazing ?
how a person changes a perspective in a split of second.
and for only one reason.
to see the determination of another being.
i admit sometimes i am too carried away with the things i want in life and i overlook
what i actually wanted to achieve in life before my last breath.
it is not about winning or losing the races in life but it's more about finishing what one has started
and not giving up along the way.
i was so privileged to attend the workshop the other day with a great speaker and my super great companion.
 it has inspired me in many ways and without a doubt, changes one belief after another.
i never thought waking up in the morning can be so fulfilling.
it has always been just another day.
i never knew an animal like eagle is so powerful.
imagine the determination.
and i never think far of a father's love.
it is simply breathtaking.
i wish for nothing to break me again.
cheers.

it has been sooo long since i last blog.
bluntly, life itself has been on and off great.
but without due respect, i was told that i had been irrationally unfair.
and if being fair is the clear-cut matter then life would never be too difficult.
because fair would be, i'm falling for him five months ago and him loving me back.
or she delivers whatever it is now five months ago so i deserved to take pleasure in.
and fair would be, my best friend is right here right now telling me that everything will be alright.
fair would be, when he caress my head and i should ask him if he's okay before he walked away.
fair would be, them stop judging me.
fair would be, i don't have to wake up to this.
and fair would be, for me not to give up on hope!
and what does being fair got to do with any of these now?!
it is just effing contradicting.
life rarely been fair to anyone so please, it is beyond understatement.
but on some level, i know things will just fall back into place eventually.
not perfectly fall into place but good enough for me.
i don't want to throw a false hope thus letting go, my last resort it is.
and only God knows how massively hurting it is to get done with.
but then again, words don't do justice.
i never felt my heart this heavy.
nothing right or wrong about a decision.
thinking made it so.
my apologies.

be alone it is.
three weeks away and frustration surpassed my will to find happiness.
perhaps i tried too hard.
i am still in dire to explain myself but maybe just for once, things are better left hanging in the air.
and just for once, it is well-proven that action speaks louder than words.

i would be lying if i said i don't like you.
but i would be lying if i said i fall for you.
and there's no one to judge us.

it's unfathomable.
it's complicated.
it's just not anyone's concern.

i am no longer her.
i am trapped in my own thoughts.
decision, now or never.

merely another ordeal of life's downfalls.
can i hang on?
can i keep up with the changes?
can i incessantly be in character?
can i fake my smile again and again?
can i be stronger?

i wish to see tomorrow where things would be different.
and to God i silently pray...